The last time my horse bucked me off…

…something amazing opened up for me! Back in 1972, when I was 13, I told my family that if they wanted to move to rural northwest NJ, they would have to get me a horse - and they did! A beautiful 16-hand quarter horse/thoroughbred I named Sequoia.

But I was terrified of her, and she knew it. Almost every time I would get on her back, she would promptly buck me off, just like in the rodeos. And when the neighborhood tough girls rode by on their horses, they would snicker and laugh at me while I desperately tried to hang on for dear life. I was so mortified and embarrassed, and was building up a healthy mistrust and anger towards my not so trusty mount.

So following that old adage “get back in the saddle” I tried once again one cloudy morning. Everything was going great, and I was almost starting to enjoy it, when BAM - the bucking bronco struck again! Fuming and hurt, I walked her back to the barn and tried to put her in the stall, but adding insult to injury, she wasn’t having it. She set her front feet like a mule with a “make my day” look in her eye. That was it, that look, it was the final straw. I felt something break loose in me, and unleashed the full fury of all my anger and embarrassment on her. I took the end of the lead rope and slapped her on the chest, while yelling out curse words a sailor would be proud of. I saw a look of total surprise on her face, and wonder of wonders, she walked in to her stall by herself and stood looking contrite.

This energy transfer between us was the beginning of a connection and synergy with her that marked a turning point in my life. Because before then, living in an alcoholic family dynamic, I really didn’t know of any way to escape my chaotic and unpredictable home environment. As a shy kid, I didn’t make friends easily, and nothing to do within walking distance.

But when I jumped on her back, and was able to just take off into the beautiful fields surrounding our property, I felt free - so free and able to finally breathe and yes, joyful! And sometimes we would stop under a tree, and she’d graze while I sat against the tree trunk, listening to the sounds of nature. These moments afforded me a peace and calmness that I didn’t know existed - a sense of safety, comfort and connection to my ground of being.

When was the last time you felt that feeling of safety, comfort and connection?